Malfoy The Muggle 'Tis A Joke Right!
by fallingauthor
Summary: "Malfoy's a muggle from now on..." Harry said seriously. Hermione laughed, "What the hell- Harry, you're joking right?" Harry nodded still seriously. "Yeah..." he paused. "Only I'm not."
1. Chapter 1

**MALFOY THE MUGGLE; 'TIS A JOKE, RIGHT?**

**A/N: new story... please read and appreciate. And Dumbledore did not die.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.**

**Summary: "Malfoy's a muggle from now on..." Harry said seriously. Hermione laughed, "What the hell- Harry, you're joking right?" Harry nodded still seriously. "Yeah..." he paused. "Only I'm not."**

**Chapter One: COUSIN, hey!**

Hermione Granger, former Gryffindor, Prefect, Head Girl, Brain of the Golden Trio, Brightest Witch in Hogwarts, etc. tapped her fingers patiently on the table she occupied in 'Gore Cafe', a muggle cafe in the muggle London.

After the war and a year after graduating in Hogwarts as the top student -which was right from the start, expected- she decided to spend more of her time in the muggle London with her parents. She wanted to spend a lot of time with the parents she almost lost during the war. She had planned to start a bookstore -what else, seriously?- and had already started looking for a good place for it. She had always loved books and reading, so the business suited her well. She'd make an excellent bookstore vendor...lovely.

But even though she chose to stay with her muggle parents, she still had connection with the Wizarding world; with her best friends Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, Dumbledore, the Order of the Phoenix and all other members. She wanted to know everything that had been happening in the Order. The Order had been busy for the past few weeks, searching for the remaining Death Eaters on the run.

She checked her wrist watch and it now read: 9:46. Harry and her agreed to meet at 9:30, which meant he was 16 minutes late already. She dropped her hand and drummed her fingers on the table again. She created a beat and moved her head according to it, trying to fight her growing boredom.

Finally, when the cafe door chimed, it signalled Harry's arrival. She beamed and sat straight and raised her hand in the air to wave at him. Harry searched for her and spotted her immediately near the corner, beside the wall. He walked to her, smiling broadly.

"Harry, haven't seen you for a month!" Hermione exclaimed as soon as he reached and hugged her tightly.

"I know," he pulled away, still grinning. "I missed you. And Ron, too. And Lupin. Said the Headquarter's been quiet since you were gone. Everybody misses you, 'Mione!" he laughed and locked her in another tight embrace.

"I missed everybody, too..." Hermione said.

They pulled away and sat on their designated places, across each other. The waiter went to them and took their orders and immediately left. When the waiter was out of earshot, Hermione asked him. "So, what's this private meeting all about? Anything new about the missions?" Hermione whispered, avoiding the others to hear.

"Well," Harry started. "Yeah, this is all about the Order... kind of."

She frowned slightly, "Huh?"

"Well, you see..." he leaned closer to the table and started whispering. "During the last mission, the Death-Eater hunting mission, we've found two, dead."

Hermione nodded. "Oh, good, then."

"But there's someone alive..."

"Another Death Eater?"

Harry nodded. "Yes... well, not really." he said uncertainly.

"I don't get you, Harry. How can a Death Eater be 'not really' a Death Eater?"

"He didn't kill anybody...he was just caught up in the middle. And he do not have the mark, Hermione..." Harry said.

Hermione nodded slowly, "Okay...so what's the problem? Then, he's not a Death Eater."

"He was traumatized. If you had seen him, you wouldn't think he was the same person we knew. He was shaking, and crying, and staring out of nowhere. And he's got wounds, cuts, bruises... He was almost unrecognizable..." Harry said, green eyes suddenly saddening.

"Who's this person?"

Harry, however, didn't mind her question. "He was so pathetic, 'Mione. Even I, who loathed him for so long felt pity towards him. He was almost going mad, that's what drove Professor Dumbledore to do what he did."

"What did Dumbledore do?"

Harry gulped. "He obliviated him..."

Hermione gasped. "Obliviated?"

"Yeah," Harry nodded. "He obliviated him and took away all of his memories from the day he was born to the day he was found hiding in a closet."

Their conversation was cut when the waiter arrived bringing their orders. They quickly thanked him and went back to the conversation when the waiter left, yet again.

"So, he was obliviated. Then he can't remember anything in his life?"

"No, he can. He remembers everything in his life."

"What?" Hermione splattered, confused. "But he was obliviated- how- what- I don't understand?" she said shaking her head.

"Dumbledore replaced the memories gone, with memories he just created for him. Dumbledore designed his new life, he faked every single day of his existence."

Hermione was surprised upon learning this. She never expected such sympathy from Dumbledore to a Death Eater who wasn't really a Death Eater, just sort of. If it was anybody else, they might have had sent him off to Azkaban already and not do this act of compassion.

"You mean, he's remembering the wrong things about his life?" Hermione asked.

"Yup." Harry replied shortly.

Hermione snorted, an expression she had just mirrored from somebody she knew back then. "Why's he being treated special? Why not sentence him 6 or 8 months in Azkaban? Who's this person, anyway? Cuz I really don't think he deserved such kindness. He was in the Dark side after all, Death Eater or not."

Harry looked at her as if he was half-agreeing and half-disagreeing to her. He was uncertain for a while, but after several minutes, he finally opened his mouth to breathe out a name.

"Draco Malfoy."

Hermione's eyes widened. "Malfoy?" she splattered. "You mean, the Death Eaters found dead were Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy?"

Harry nodded in reply.

Hermione gaped at him for a second and blinked slowly in disbelief. "But," she frowned. "Why was Dumbledore so compassionate with him?"

Harry sighed, "You wouldn't even ask why if you saw him personally when we found him in the closet of his parents' bedroom. I told you, he was extremely pathetic. Even Ron, who hates him a lot, felt a little bit sympathy towards him." Harry explained. "Dumbledore reckons his parent's were killed by another Death Eaters, might be Goyle or Crabbe, or any other Death Eater still lurking out there. And his parents protected him by keeping him in their closet, and he saw how his parents were killed. That was why he was traumatized, almost losing his sanity when he was brought to the Headquarters."

As he listened to Harry's story, she imagined the 'insane' Malfoy. Probably it would be hilarious during their times in Hogwarts, biting each other's head off. But she was mature now, and having your parents killed in front of you, was definitely maddening.

"So," Hermione cleared her throat. "He don't know himself? He don't remember being Draco 'the fucking git' Malfoy? He don't remember...anything? About his life, his self, his pureblood royalty? What he remember is, being someone else?"

Harry nodded. "Yes, exactly... And that's why I asked for this private meeting."

She frowned in confusion again but nodded, urging him to go on.

He took a deep breath before exhaling. "Hermione, when Dumbledore decided to take his memories and change them, he included his knowledge about magic and the Wizarding world." Harry paused and looked at her straight in the eyes. "Malfoy's a muggle from now on..." he said seriously.

Hermione didn't react for about a minute. It took her a long time to process what she heard from Harry. Then, after much deliberation, she finally burst out laughing. "Oh, Harry...No need to prank me! I know you hate Malfoy, but joking about him like this? Oh please..." she laughed and laughed more. Harry didn't even stop her, instead, he stared at her seriously.

"What the hell- Harry you're joking, right?" then she continued laughing and only stopped when she saw Harry's reaction not changing. He was looking at her seriously and she started feeling nervous... 'Goddamn it, he was joking, wasn't he? He must be...' Hermione thought, starting to panic.

"Yeah..." Harry nodded.

Hermione sighed in relief that lasted just for a second.

"Only I'm not." Harry finished.

Silence followed that. Harry stared at her, she stared back in shock. Of course it would be hard to believe it. Malfoy, a MUGGLE? He hated muggles, for the love of god! And now Harry was telling her he was one already?

"It's true, 'Mione. He's a muggle already. Dumbledore changed his memories and made him think -believe- that he was a muggle. He don't remember having a wand, or flying a broomstick, or playing Quidditch, or learning spells, or being a pureblood wizard and being a Malfoy." Harry said. "What he knows, is that he's Tom Felton, 18, from Bradford, and a non-magic person."

"Tom? His new name's Tom Felton?" Hermione asked.

Harry nodded. "His parents were Sebastian and Amy Felton and they died in a car crash wherein he was involved and that was why he got his wounds. And now that he's lost his parents, he came to London all the way from Bradford to live with his only living relatives..."

She felt her stomach clench all of a sudden, scared of where this might end.

"You're cousins in this story, Hermione."

Now her fear was confirmed! Her mouth opened a big hole but couldn't find the words to say. She was more than shocked with the news.

"Dumbledore's at your house as we speak, explaining to your parents the litte show. Malfoy's with Mr. Weasley now. He pretended to be his 'mother's' friend from school and he presented to help him find his 'Aunt', your mum Hermione. His mum, Amy Lewis, is supposed to be you mother's sister."

Hermione didn't know how to continue processing what Harry was telling her. So, Dumbledore made Malfoy, her enemy, her relative? That was outrageous!

And as if Harry heard what her mind exclaimed, he continued speaking. "Dumbledore knew you'd be glad to help, and that you are the only one who could help him. You're a muggleborn, 'Mione, and you still have your parents. And you're a good witch, you can protect him from the Death Eaters that're hunting him, after killing his parents but not able to kill him too."

She leaned her back on the chair, unable to fight the raging shock she felt. She was going to be Malfoy's bodyguard and nobody even warned her. And she was also going to pretend she was his COUSIN! Totally absurd! Totally unbelievable!

"'Mione, are you alright?" Harry asked.

"Yeah..." she nodded. "I'll be my enemy's cousin and protector, why shouldn't I be alright?" she muttered sarcastically.

Harry sighed. "'Mione, if you don't like it...I can tell Dumbledore. Maybe he can still change his memories again, make another story of his life-"

"Harry," Hermione cut him off. "I don't like it. Honestly, I hate it." she admitted. Harry gazed down, looking defeated. "But if Dumbledore entrusted this task to me... I'm more than willing to accept it."

Harry's face enlightened at this and his grin reached both sides of his ears. "Really? You're accepting?" he asked excitedly for confirmation.

Hermione doubted for a moment before nodding. "Yeah. And I'm doing this for the Order, as a mission. Not for Malfoy, not because of sympathy. I hate him so much to feel pity towards him whatever happened to him." she replied bitterly.

Harry was too busy feeling glad to even care what she said. What he did was stand from his seat and hugged Hermione. He pulled away and thanked her again and again for accepting the request for help. She was willing to lend her helping hand to the Order, she was a member after all, and do the missions the Order tasked her to do. She hadn't been much of a help for a year now, since she decided to live in the Muggle world with her parents. Now was her time to do something for them.

"Dumbledore's going to be very happy, Hermione. Thank you, thank you!"

They left the cafe to go home and join the meeting between Hermione's parents and Dumbledore about the 'mission'.

Hermione accepted it, yeah. But that was not going to mean she'd treat the stupid ferret any different than her old school nemesis. He might not remember anything, but she did. And she would never forget how he treated her, like a dirt in his robes he was trying to get rid of.

Now, it was going to be her advantage. She was going to make him regret he woke up every morning. She'd make his life like hell, as he made her's before. Yes, Hermione was mature, but not so mature to forget the hate of her life.

She was going to enjoy his stay.

He'd regret being a muggle.

It was payback time!

**A/N: So please tell me if I should continue this. Please please. :) I really luv the idea of Malfoy being a muggle, and I've been dying to use his muggle name, "Tom Felton"! haha :) Well to those who don't know who Tom is, he's the bloke playing the role of our favorite blonde ferret, Malfoy in the Harry Potter movie series!**

**So, tha's it.**

**Malfoy's finally a muggle. THAT'S A JOKE, RIGHT? haha :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**MALFOY THE MUGGLE; 'TIS A JOKE, RIGHT?**

**A/N: So this is chapter two! I hope this plot is interesting enough. :)**

**Chapter Two: Welcome home, Tom**

When Harry and Hermione arrived at Granger's Residence, they found Dumbledore laughing with Hermione's parents. They entered and the Granger couple greeted Harry. The teens sat on the couch across the couple and beside Dumbledore.

"So," Harry started. "You've talked about Malfoy?"

The couple nodded and looked at Hermione, "We want to help, 'Mione. I hope you've accepted it."

Hermione looked at her parents and then to Dumbledore. "I'm willing to do this for the Order, Professor. I'll keep Malfoy safe."

"It's Tom now, Ms. Granger." Dumbledore corrected her.

"Oh, yeah." she nodded, suddenly realizing the change of name. "I should start getting used to that new name."

"Where's the lad, by the way?" Mrs. Granger asked.

"He'll be here for about an hour." Dumbledore answered. He stood and looked at Harry, "I think it's time for us to leave, Harry." Harry nodded and stood up too. Dumbledore turned to Hermione. "I'm sorry for surprising you with this, Ms. Granger. I know I should've informed you and asked for your approval first before I made my move. But I was sure and confident that you'd be very glad to help your old classmate."

"I'm helping the Order, Professor, not him..." Hermione corrected maliciously.

Dumbledore sighed and nodded, "If you say so, Ms. Granger."

After a couple of minutes, Dumbledore and Harry left the house. Hermione looked at her parents, trying to see their reaction. They only smiled at her.

"I'm excited to see this lad. The old man told us he was good-looking." Hermione's mum said jubilantly.

"He's ill-mannered." Hermione replied.

"Oh, but that was before, right? When he was still -what was that? Macroy? Leeroy? Froy?-"

"Malfoy." Hermione supplied dryly with a roll of her eyes.

"Right, Malfoy. But he's Tom Felton now, dearie, I'm sure he's a sweetie already."

"Mum," Hermione grimaced.

"Someone's finally going to help me fight for the remote control to watch fooball." Hermione's dad said.

"Don't even think about poisoning the mind of the kid." Hermione's mum retorted.

"I just need a supporter!" Hermione's dad defended himself. "At least another male's going to be here. It's not very nice to be alone, you know. I'm not going to stay in front of the TV to watch Drama series about sappy love stories and be stuck with it anymore."

Hermione rolled her eyes at her parents. They still bicker about little things that don't even have sense. Sometimes, she found it amusing and sweet, but most of the time, it just looked stupid.

Her parents continued arguing for the next hour. She groaned at them to try and end their idiotic fight but they ignored her all the time. So, she decided to leave them alone and just read a book while waiting for the arrival of the new member of their family.

Malfoy, a new member to the Granger family. Ha, what a disgusting thought.

The couples only stopped hissing at each other when the doorbell rang. Hermione almost jumped from her seat, too. She stood immediately and opened the front door. Hermione's parents rushed to the receiving area too, looking very excited.

When she opened the door, Arthur Weasley's face greeted her. "Hi, I'm Mr. Arthur Weasley. I'm here for Mrs. Emily Lewis Granger. Is she around?"

Hermione looked confused at first but then it struck her. Of course they were undercover so they had to pretend they didn't know each other and her mother -who never met Mr. Weasley- had to pretend to be a close friend of his.

"Y-Yeah, she's here. Mum, someone's looking for you!" She called out.

Then her mother came running to the front door. She faked a surprise gasp -that sounded so fake- and hugged Mr. Weasley. Shit, they were terrible actors.

"Arthur, didn't see you for like forever!" Emily Granger said.

"Oh, Em, I miss you too!" Mr. Weasley replied.

When they pulled away, Emily noticed the blonde boy standing far from them, on the gate. She smiled and knew it was the supposed nephew of hers. "Is that Tom, there?" she asked, eyes not leaving the teenager.

Hermione followed her mother's gaze and couldn't stop the gasp of shock. The boy standing on their fence was none other than her school nemesis, Draco Malfoy. He still had the blond hair, but she noted the many changes in him. He was skinnier than the last time she saw him, on their sixth year. He was still pale but his skin seemed dry. He was taller. But the most shocking change in him was that he didn't look fierce and intimidating and scary and tough anymore. Instead, he looked so...frail.

He looked at the ground, probably shy, as he carried the huge knapsack on his back.

"Uh, yeah. That's him. You're 'nephew'." Mr. Weasley emphasized the last word. Mrs. Granger smiled at him knowingly before Mr. Weasley called out for Draco -or Tom- to come closer.

Draco -or Tom- looked at them hesitantly first before taking little steps towards them. It took him full 3 minutes before he reached Mr. Weasley's side. He shyly looked at Emily and very slowly, his lips curled slightly upwards in what was supposed to be a smile. "H-Hi..." he croaked quietly, almost inaudible.

"Hello, nephew." Emily greeted him enthusiastically. "Nice to meet you, finally."

Draco -or Tom- nodded slowly, and once again looked at the ground. Hermione stared at him the whole time. Now that he was closer, his changes were much visible. She noticed the little cuts on his forehead and the bruises on his arms. His lips which were very rosy before was now a bit pale -like bloodless- and had wounds. His eyes were still grey but she also noticed how tired they looked.

All in all, Harry was right. He was different and almost unrecognizable. But that didn't change the fact that he was still Malfoy, the git whom she loathed so much. He even came third on her list. First was the Dark Lord, second was his insufferable father, and then he came next.

'He was only innocent because he can't remember anything', Hermione thought.

"So, Tom, here's your Aunt Emily. She and her husband, your Uncle-in-law, agreed to make you live with them since your parents are gone." Mr. Weasley told Draco -or Tom.

Draco/ Tom nodded, still looking at the ground. "T-Thank you..." he said softly.

"Of course, you're welcome. But I think your gratitude would be more appreciated if you say it to me face-to-face."

Hermione noticed the little blush on his cheeks as her mother said that. She found it amusing but utterly stupid -if that was possible.

Draco -or Tom- raised his head slowly and looked at his 'Aunt' again. Emily grinned at him. "By the way, this is your Uncle Gary," she motioned for her husband to show up. Gary stood beside his wife and smiled at Draco. "Hi there, lad."

Draco smiled at him slightly. "And, our daughter, your cousin, Hermione." she pointed at Hermione. Draco turned his head towards Hermione and gave out another little smile. Hermione didn't respond to the friendly gesture, instead, she looked at him with a hard, unfriendly stare, the same one she used to give him back at school.

He tensed at her gaze and looked away. He looked scared at her but she did not care. She'd be bitter to him no matter what. She'd get her revenge.

"So, you've met your new family, Tom. I better leave now if I don't want my train to leave me. Be a good lad to your Aunt, Uncle and cousin. See you soon, Tom." Mr. Weasley tapped his shoulder and walked away after bidding a proper farewell to the Grangers.

The couple invited him in. He looked hesitant but went in, nonetheless. They led him to the dining table to eat lunch. He shyly took the seat across Hermione and did his best to avoid looking at her eyes. She was scary and she did not like him, he noted.

"Eat a lot, Tom. You look really malnurished." Emily encouraged.

He blushed a little again, slightly annoying Hermione. "And after eating, I suggest you rest. You need rest, a lot of it. How are you feeling, by the way?" Gary asked.

Draco swallowed his food before replying quietly, "I'm fine..." not looking at any of them.

"You're still sad about your loss." Emily declared more than asked.

He slowly nodded, "They are my parents, after all."

Emily reached for his hand and gave it a light squeeze. "Your mum is my sister. I missed her, but I had to move on. I know it would be harder on your part, but still, try and move on, okay?" she smiled sympathetically.

Hermione fought the urge not to snort at the scene before her. Seriously, she thought her mum was a bad actress. But the way she said she missed her supposed 'sister', she actually almost fell for it, if she hadn't known better.

"Life goes on, Tommy. If you lost something, you gain something in exchange of what you lost. You lost your dear mum and dad but you gained your aunt and uncle plus your cousin. See, you lost two but you gained three! Pretty, isn't it?" Gary said optimistically.

Draco forced a smile. His uncle was right, but it was still not convincing. After all, what he lost were not just 'something'. They were his parents, where his flesh and blood came from. They were his 'everything' before they were gone.

"Well, we're sure you're gonna love it here, Tom. We're going to make your stay worthwhile." His aunt said, squeezing his hand more.

He just nodded. He knew he was gonna love the place, his aunt and uncle...but he was rather doubting about his cousin.

He stole a glance from her cousin and as soon as his eyes landed on her, he, once again, tensed in his seat.

She was glaring at him like he did something wrong to her. There was hate in her eyes as she burned a hole in his face with the intensity of her gaze.

Oh god, he was in trouble.

**A/N: that's it! I hope it's okay. :)**


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